Come Back and Stay

by on April 18, 2023 :: 0 comments

photo "Unshackle My Heart" by Tyler Malone

My heart quivers within my breast. My voice is gone. My stomach churns and knots. I cannot speak all the words I yearn to say aloud. I cannot express all the emotions I have long felt and kept silently hidden. My strength faded, my mind empty. My heart shatters repeatedly at every instance of life that reminds me of you. I’m gasping for air. Time can pass, but I have been so sad since you died. Tears gush forth from every angle and crevice in my worn-out, beaten heart. Please come ease this ache. “Stay. Stay! Stay!” The heavy weight of grief and sorrow smashes me; the sense of losing my way fills the empty void. I feel the cold blade of loneliness.

Come back and stay. Can you feel my heart? I feel so helpless. It’s too heavy, lonely, and suffocating. I miss the sun. My heart withers like fruit upon an ancient tree. I tug at the heavy chains tightened around my shaking and suffering heart. “Is this life worth living?”

At times I can almost hear your laughter, and I can see your smiles. I miss the memories, the love, the warmth, and the joy. Such glittering and beautiful jewels! It’s all I remember. They’re all that I see when I close my eyes. I wish I could sing out my soul! I wish I could find the words to speak aloud. I’m mute beneath my heavy sorrows and grief. I can only write, the only thing I’m good at. Writing, which you loved so much from me. Do you remember? All I can do is write out my soul to reach, help, and heal people. A comforting hug from far away. Hope in the darkness. You taught me this. Can you hear me a million miles away? Sometimes I thought myself never enough, but you always found me to be more than enough. You always believed in me when no one else did. You always encouraged me and told me to be kind. “Be yourself” and “believe in yourself.” I remember everything. I know I will grieve forever. You are my beloved one. I will never be the same. It hurts because it matters. My grief is all the love I want to give you but cannot. It will walk beside me every day. My heart shakes. It’s overwhelming. Please come ease this ache. But I know you are gone from this world. No matter how much I hope and how far I stretch my arms to reach you, you cannot return to me. But still, I call out, “Come back and stay.”

You have always been beside me in this sweeping sea of Life. Your warmth, light, reminders, and kindness live inside me. I always heard you. You taught me to be strong, feel, think, and be. You taught me compassion, selflessness, and respect. You encouraged me and believed in me. You understood me. All of me. You told me all my feelings are valid and vital. You told me never to give up, to be strong. Always smile. You were the one person I admired most and respected. Your silliness inspired my own. And then, before I could think or blink, you were gone. Taken away too swiftly and far too early by an incurable illness. I wasn’t ready. There were many plans, things I wanted to show you, accomplishments I wanted to see your reactions toward, and feelings I wanted to tell you. I thought I had all the time in the world. But I didn’t. Nothing’s set in stone. Time doesn’t stand still. You died, triggering my crumbling world and darkness beyond my imagination that I never thought I would escape. But I did flee because I remembered you and kept moving on, fighting on, surviving. I was destroyed amid freezing loneliness, but I refused to give up. That wasn’t Me. I was able to remain alive. I believed just like you believed in me! And yet, I want to rip my heart out of my chest right now to stop it all and plug my grief. Why can’t it be so simple?

I miss you beyond what words and emotions can express. My soul bleeds in tears, my silent language, that I cannot hide away. An eroding deluge that won’t fade away. I can’t pretend or be strong because the real Me inside is calling out and crying. Can you hear and feel my soul? Come back and stay. Everything rushes out in such deep and powerful waves ebbing and flowing, bursting in vivid colors. The levees of my heart break apart, and I free fall with it. Come back and stay. A million miles away, do you know I didn’t give up? Did you see it? I have so much to tell you, but I cannot. I have so much love to give you, but I cannot. You died. You’re far away. Come back and stay. Everything feels surreal. I can feel my heart shake. I am still reaching out to you a million miles away. I’m standing here, waiting for the day we reunite. I am always right here. I will never forget you. I cannot see you or touch you, but I know you are there. Somehow, you’re always there. Your warm love is there. You’re still watching over me, believing in me as you always had. You are not forgotten. You’re all that I see; you’re all that I hear. Your warm & kind heart is all that I remember. Your love is all that I can feel. Your light lives on inside me. All that I deeply love becomes a part of me. But little by little, I have to let go. I must go. You will find me again. But still, I call out to the stars, “Come back and stay. Come back and stay.”

editors note:

Go, be gone. I’ll keep what you taught me and wait for how love changes when it only lives in one heart. ~ Tyler Malone

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