Dial 1 for Help

by on February 4, 2023 :: 0 comments

photo "Happiness Was..." by Tyler Malone

Saturday I got my first package from HearttoHeart.com. I was eager to open it and see what they had sent me. You’ve probably seen the ads for HearttoHeart.com.

“Be GOOD to yourself. Let us send you surprise packages. They will arrive when you need cheering up.”

The way it works is that they know all about you. They know when you’re feeling down in the dumps and they know what you like. You don’t have to order anything. They will pick out something that will just hit the spot for you and send it to you.

When I signed up for HearttoHeart.com, I had to fill out a lengthy questionnaire so they would know what kind of things I would like in my surprise packages. Some people let them have access to their email and social media accounts. That would let them know when they were feeling depressed and needed a nice surprise. I didn’t want to do that, but my friend Harley said, “You don’t have to do that. If you’re on the internet at all, they can find out everything about you.” Finally, I had to decide the level of payment I wanted to make. I was going through a bad time, financially and otherwise, but I thought I could afford to pay $25 a month.

I had been under increasing stress at my job for over a year and my divorce from Belinda had become final the end of last month, so I was in serious need of cheering up. Saturday I opened the package from HearttoHeart.com to find a tablet about 8 by 10 inches. The label said it was a Happiness Maker. There were three buttons on the top right and two on the left side. None of them turned the gadget on. I wondered if it needed to be plugged into something to charge it up, but I couldn’t find any place to attach any kind of a wire.

I played around with the Happiness Maker for a while, pressing the various buttons, but none had any effect. Belinda had always been more techy than me, but obviously I couldn’t call her, even if I had a number to call. I looked through the packing material to see if there had been some instructions that I had overlooked. There were not any.

At that point I looked up the number to HearttoHeart.com and gave them a call. A voice came on to say, “HearttoHeart.com Is open from nine o’clock to six o’clock Monday through Friday.” So, I had to put the Happiness Maker aside until Monday.

After work on Monday, I gave HearttoHeart.com a call and got this menu:

To Increase your monthly donation to HearttoHeart.com, press 1

To recommend a new friend for HearttoHeart.com, press 2

To tell us how much you love HearttoHeart.com, press 3

To suggest new presents for our friends of HearttoHeart.com, press 4

To renew your membership in HearttoHeart.com, press 5

To tell us how happy you are that you joined HearttoHeart.com, press 6

To become a member of HearttoHeart.com, press 7

To tell us how great your gift from HearttoHeart.com is, press 8

To repeat this menu, press 9.

None of the choices seemed what I wanted, so I pressed 8. In a very short time, the phone was answered by a very cheerful male voice: “Welcome to HearttoHeart.com. Who do I have the pleasure of speaking to?”

“My name is Jack. I’m calling about my gift from HearttoHeart.com. It came without…”

“And what was your gift, Jack?”

“It is a Happiness Maker, but I didn’t—”

“You’re a lucky man, Jack. The Happiness Maker is one of our most popular gifts.”

“But I didn’t get any instructions on how to use it.”

“Well, of course not, Jack. You can get the instructions through our website.”

“It would be a lot easier,” I complained, “if the instructions came in the package with the gift.”

“Oh, Jack, I’m going to pretend that I didn’t hear that. Do you know how many trees would have to be cut down if we sent instructions with every gift?”

“Still, it would be nice to have instructions when you get the gift.”

“It’s been great talking to you, Jack.  Just go to HearttoHeart.com to get the instructions you need to enjoy your Happiness Maker.” Then he hung up.

I went to HearttoHeart.com, and after a search found a link to instructions. They were arranged in alphabetical order, but I found nothing for Happiness Maker. Then I found a search link and typed in Happiness Maker.

Here is the answer that came up: Congratulations! You are the owner of a Happiness Maker. We are working on instructions for this delightful device. We expect to have them up very shortly. Keep your eye on this space.

Here is the reason I wrote this: I have a Happiness Maker that I am willing to let go for a very good price. If you know anyone who might be interested, have them give me a call at 733-555-2442.

editors note:

It’s at your fingertips, everything you could have ever wanted. It’s right THERE! Can’t you feel it?! ~ Tyler Malone

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