The Drive By

by on February 27, 2021 :: 0 comments

photo "Different Story, Same Ending" by Tyler Malone

In a world where the oppressors rationalized injustice with the cliche “On both sides,” it was always same shit, different day. Until one day Darth Vader slow-creeped toward Earth in his Death Star and beamed down with his stormtroopers.

He came to destroy the planet but morning sex put him in a good mood.

“Because I like to be entertained on occasion, I’ll give you a deal,” Vader shouted. “I’ll save one race of people. That’s right, beam you all up with me. You play a sport of your choosing in a tournament for my amusement and your survival.”

The planet-wide tournament lasted weeks until it was down to two races: The KenKeepKarens and The Barrackas.

The final game was a blowout from start to finished. It was clear that the KenKeepKarens would win. In a show of pride, the Barrackas played hard until the end. They managed to score several points during last few minutes. The KenKillKarens celebrated when the whistle blew. The final score was KenKeepKarens 72, Barrackas 12.

“I’ll be damned,” Vader said. “Tie game.”


“Both teams scored,” Vader answered. “That’s a tie game to me.”


Suddenly, the spokesperson for the KenKeepKarens lost their breathe as though someone was choking them out.

“First of all, I don’t like your tone. Second of all, fuck mathematics, I’m Darth Vader! I can choke a mother fucker 1000 feet away! If I say 2 + 2 = Deez Nuts, you best put your calculator down and say Thanks for your help. Why? Because you can’t make me say different!

Sigh. But I’m willing to give you guys another shot at this. I need more people to assist me conquering the universe. Which one of your groups is the evilest?”

And just like that, there was no longer “both sides.”

“We are!” shouted the KenKeepKarens. “We’ve been killing, raping, enslaving, exploiting — shit, downright fucking over — these other people for centuries! No one comes close to the evil we’ve done. There were continents we literally wiped out. And that’s not all! Animals?  We’re wiping them out, too. We even hate trees! You see that forest? We’re mowing that down for a gas station. Fuck trees! We guarantee we’re the worst!”

Darth Vader turned to the Barrackas. “So, what have all of you done?”

<Long pause>

“We joke about how they can’t make potato salad.”

Vader laughed.

“That’s funny! All of you have been entertaining but I’ve changed my mind.  I’m blowing up everything and everybody.”

A stormtrooper spoke up to the dark leader. “Lord Vader. It’s a message from the Death Star. She says it’s urgent.”

“Hand it here! Yes? What? You wanna feel The Force from the back? Yes…”

And in a blink of an eye, Vader and the stormtroopers were gone.

In the brightness of the sun, the Death Star’s laser beam of destruction blazed toward the planet. As the people watched in despair, they realized this moment was the only time their world was at peace with one another. The only time there was true unity.

editors note:

Star Wars and drunken nights result in the same thing: an attack run on the exhaust port. Size matters not, be Yoda in the Streets and Emperor Palpatine in the sheets. ~ Tyler Malone

Leave a Reply