by on November 20, 2015 :: 0 comments

"Cornhill" by Tyler Malone

It is 7:35 in the afternoon and Kris is sitting in the middle of a row of kids at church. She is sweating and her leg is shaking and her heart is beating fast and the back of her eyes hurt. She is the most awake that she has ever been in her entire life. She has a lot of Ritalin and caffeine in her system.

Kris got the Ritalin from her friend, Julie, who has attention deficit disorder and takes Ritalin once a day as prescribed by her doctor. Ritalin has a reverse effect on people without attention deficit disorder. Julie said that it is often compared to cocaine. She said this because Kris wanted to experience drugs, but didn’t want to smoke marijuana because she didn’t want to cough. Kris is afraid of coughing because she is afraid of gagging because she is afraid of vomiting.

Kris bought three Ritalin 54mg pills. The pills are labeled “extended-release.”

Kris read online that the best way to feel high from extended-release Ritalin pills is to peel the two layers of coating from the actual substance. First the thick, red coating, then the thin, clear coating. Then crush the pill into powder and inhale the powder nasally. Within ten minutes, you will experience a light feeling of numbness in your head. This is normal. This numbness will be followed by gentle shaking of your body. This is normal. Next, your heart rate will increase and you will feel very awake and energetic. This is normal. Ritalin peaks when you feel the surge of energy. After it peaks, you will start to feel distant from yourself and the world around you. This is normal.

Kris went straight to her room after school. With a pair of safety scissors, she cut one Ritalin pill in half and peeled the first coating, then the second. She placed a sheet of paper over one half of the pill and used a bottle of nail polish to crush the pill into powder. She moved the paper and used her student identification card to separate the powder into lines. She took a pen from her backpack and took it apart. She took the hollow tube of the pen and slid it up her right nostril, leaned down, and inhaled the first line of powder through the tube in her right nostril. Her nose burned and her eyes watered. She took the tube out of her nostril and quickly laid back and sniffed hard.

Kris is twelve years old.

The effects were exactly as Kris read. She felt good. She felt great.

Kris remembered that she had to go to church. She told her cousin that she would go. Her cousin said that God was the answer to everything.

Kris went to church. Her cousin brought her coffee. She sat down in the middle of a row full of kids.

Kris cannot pay attention to the sermon. She does not believe in God. She has too much Ritalin and caffeine in her system to believe in God.

She believes God is for people who lack excitement.

She believes God is kind of like Ritalin.

She believes God is a drug.

She believes she shouldn’t get fucked up before church.

Her legs are shaking and it is distracting her from the pastor’s sermon. The coffee is distracting her. The Ritalin is distracting her. Her mind is distracting her.

She believes God is a drug.

She believes she shouldn’t get fucked up before church.

After the sermon, Kris goes home and walks straight to her room. She closes the door and stands in front of the mirror. She examines herself. Facial expression. Posture. She thinks, I’m fine. She thinks, I look okay, I look normal. She thinks, Holy shit, I can’t believe I exist.

She stares at herself in the mirror for a while longer.

She thinks: I can’t believe I’m in control of what I see in the mirror. Those are my eyes. That’s my stomach. This is crazy.

She thinks about how gasses fill the capacity of the container they are placed in. The universe is infinite. It does not have a container to fill. It exists without boundaries.

She thinks, That’s like me. My mind has left my body, and it’s expanding to fill a container that isn’t there. I exist without boundaries.

An alarm goes off. She turns away from her mirror to look at the clock. It is 6:30 in the morning. She has to take a shower and dressed for school. She takes a shower and gets dressed.

Her mother makes her breakfast. A bowl of chopped fruit. Apples, watermelon, cantaloupe, grapes, etc.

Her mother says, Are you okay?


Her mother says, You look exhausted.

I feel fine.

After breakfast, Kris gets her backpack from her room and gets in her mother’s car. Her mother drives her to school. When Kris gets out of the car, her mother says, Are you sure you’re okay?

I’m just tired, but I feel fine.

Her mother says, If you start to feel sick or tired, just call me and I’ll pick you up. Don’t push your boundaries.

Kris thinks, I exist without boundaries. She accidentally says it out loud.

Her mother says, Huh?

Kris says, God is a drug.

Her mother says, Maybe you shouldn’t go to church anymore.

Kris thinks, I shouldn’t get fucked up before church. She says, I won’t go to church anymore.

Her mother says, I love you. I’ll see you later.

Kris turns and walks to her class. Inside the classroom, she says hi to Julie and Julie gives her a confused look. Kris asks what is wrong. Julie says, Who are you?

Kris says, I don’t know. Who am I?

Julie says, I don’t know.

Kris says, Cool.

Julie says, Well, say something funny or something.

Kris says, Uh, I’m afraid of vomiting.

Julie laughs. Kris laughs. The whole class erupts into laughter.

editors note:

We are God, all of us. We carry it in ourselves. God is humanity, the only drug you need. – tyler malone

Leave a Reply