Mr. Piper’s Lament

by on June 8, 2013 :: 0 comments

As kids, most of us listened to nursery rhymes; as adults, many of have read nursery rhymes to our own children or grandchildren. But seldom do those verses show the nursery rhyme parents. To remedy that oversight, here’s a brief look at one parent.

“Say there. Piper. I haven’t seen you at the bus stop for about a week now. I hope everything’s okay.”

“Okay? You got kids of your own. You oughta know. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve been having problems with my sons. They’re both getting hard to handle. Even my daughter Mary’s getting on my nerves. My wife says not to worry, it’s just a phase, but—”

“What kind of problems are you having?”

“Well, my oldest boy, Tom, he stole a pig. Can you believe that? A pig.”

“Why’d he do something like that? What’d he do with it?”

“Do with it? He ate it. Didn’t even share with us. He had a bunch of his friends over. Smoked some pot. Ate the pig.”

“Ate it. The whole thing? How’d you handle it?”

“Handle it? What do you think? I beat the kid. Tom went crying down the street.”

“Good for you. What about your other son?”

“Peter? He’s got me worried plenty. He’s only ten and already he’s started doing strange things. Like the other day, he cut a hole in old Mr. McGregor’s fence and picked a whole peck of pickled peppers. A whole peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked. What the hell we going to do with pickled peppers? None of us like the taste. I told Peter he had to get rid of them, but he’s stubborn, won’t do it, just keeps them under his bed. Says he likes the smell.”

“I can see where you’d be upset. Pickled peppers.”

“A whole peck of the damn things.”

“It’s tough being a parent these days, that’s for sure.”

“It is. That’s a fact.”

“You said Mary’s giving you trouble. That’s hard for me to believe. She seems like such a sweet girl.”

“Used to be. I can hardly stand to be around her any more. She’s getting more contrary every day. Last month she tried to grow a garden. Instead of vegetables, guess what she got?”


“Yeah. Would you believe it?”

editors note:

Pit Mr. Piper more than Mother Goose: he lives in something worse than a shoe. He lives in a world of children. – Tyler Malone

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