Don’t cry to me about your shopping stress in December when parking lot surveillance cameras are capturing men with white beards who only look like me breaking into automobiles and mugging people in mall parking lots, while local news outlets vie for coverage, reporting on Santas pretending to collect toys for charity, or worse, rampaging in red-clad mobs like those dozens of New Zealanders, running through the streets of Auckland stealing merchandise from stores and assaulting guards with beer bottles, prompting legislators everywhere to enact laws governing my behavior, such as the Florida legislature prohibiting sex offenders from working dressed as me, or my pal the Easter Bunny, although the Easter Bunny is rarely accused of the crimes I am accused of, which is ironic, since he and I both are assuredly guilty of the heinous crime of child abuse which the hundreds of children we frighten every year will attest to, especially those whose parents say “Oh, it’ll be cute,” as they pull out their cameras to capture me, the old reprobate, in the act of terrorizing their babies.