300-500 words concerning your purpose for undertaking graduate study your reasons for wanting to study your research interests professional plans career goals.

Dear Mr. and Mrs. School Monger,

I am an important figure in the history of writing here in the United Republic of the State of My Apartment’s Swimming Pool. And I will be a very important figure in literature. Especially after the global-enfolding tornadoes hit and all the people on earth are gone.

My purpose on earth is to get through writing this application. I am very happy to provide you with recommendations from people who think I am wonderful. You can talk to them about the reasons you should hire me as a student into your gracious program. I am like a genius or something. You should recognize me as gifted and special and like the second coming of Hans Christian Winston Salem the 3rd, because I am, Hans Christian Winston Salem the 3rd.

In answer to your questions, my favorite color is green but really my favorite color is blue. (I imagine that Miss America will be taking notes.)

I like to win any game and if I don’t, I get mad. I like to take my writing very seriously and I never have any fun at writing because writing is very serious. It is like throwing knives and spears. Really, though, it is war. Gladiators dust off their suits and throw globs of words. Bloody messy words fight over the best word. Shredded headless words roll around on top of one another, moaning. Dead words lie in a bloody pile on the ground, teeming with maggots. All this writing is like conscription and signing up for this life where you never have any time to just sit down and eat. It’s all war.

I appreciate your consideration, and if you do not accept me I will be heart-broken and then I will get a job at a hospital where I will take my dog around so he can meet people and I will rub the people’s feet and put on a big red nose and act like a clown. But if I don’t get a job at a hospital, I will take a bushel of apples down the street to the woman who just had twin boys. I will write them a card. I will go to war.

I believe in you.

Goodbye.

Goodbye again,

And I promise if you accept me I will never eat crunchy chips in class. But, rest assured, I will look over my shoulder and COPY what all the others are writing,

Sincerely,

Ms. Hans Christian Winston Salem 3rd – Proud MFA College Supplicant