I passed through
so many houses,
houses in so many cities
and always
I was unloved
and always
I thought this is
America, this is
the land of free
competition
for making
profits and products,
how can I or
anyone be loved,
I do not remember
the names
or the faces
of those who
hated and said
nasty things
or made nasty jokes
and when they did
I thought I deserved
the treatment
I wanted to make
a connection and
find love in the
outer world
like the love
I felt for myself
moving through houses
and businesses
and bars at night
and some I met
were out of their minds,
they thought people
were following them,
and one was
a killer who
shot a man
in the back of the head
at a biker party,
but I did find
one love
her name was Cynthia
she would suck
on my cock
as I drove us on
long trips
on Interstate 10
to Big Bend,
I would suck
on her cunt
and diddle her
clitoris and search
for the sweet spot
but she got mad
when I told her
she tasted like
Fish, “I love fish,”
I said but it
didn’t help,
and there were
women who said
we are no different
than you,
these genders, boxes
stuck on us
made by society
and I looked at
them across
the conference tables
in offices
and said nothing.
I began thinking
of taking estrogen
and growing
a set of breasts
but then I thought
the amount
of estrogen
will not grow me
a womb,
I am forever
denied the joy
and adventure
of having a baby
who I will love
and who will love me back
and so I looked
at the women
with the PhDs
and high
administrative
positions
And always left
the meetings
back to the closet
of my office
without a window
and said
to myself
Let me be honest
my golden retriever
has always been
home waiting
wherever we lived
a loving companion
Let us go walking
always along creeks
and admire the colors
of the long grasses
moving in the breezes
let us look up
at the tall poplars
and enjoy the chirps
overhead, the beetles
struggling in the grass,
and the small
yellow butterflies
searching for flowers