Management Speak

by June 18, 2022 0 comments

1. Always speak of ‘going forward,’ even if you are not currently going forward (or indeed anywhere perceptible)

2. Preface every answer to a question with the word ‘So’: this gives the impression that you have been thinking in-depth about a matter which has never previously crossed your mind

3. Practise saying ‘I will be immediately passing this on to my colleague’ as if you actually meant it; even the most highly-paid have their amnesiac moments

4. Have a handy repertoire of slightly incorrect email addresses always to hand; this will buy much-needed and valuable time to be spent on massaging figures

5. At all times be fiendishly jovial (if by some mischance you are a woman, sardonically flirtatious is a decent second-best)

6. Master your acronyms (for example, never use FGM to refer to ‘flash glucose monitor’ [a painless way to control diabetes] when you mean ‘female genital mutilation’ [an agonising way to control women])

7. Always ensure there is a prominent charitable aspect to your work (especially important in the arms and tobacco industries)

8. Say the phrase ‘I am comfortable in my job’ over and over in your sleep; make a point of asking your closest associates once a day whether they are comfortable in theirs

9. Your business model (such as selling insurance to the already dead) is never faulty, although it may be that its worth is as yet unrecognised, since its time has not come

10. It is not rocket science to construct an entire speech out of clichés; indeed, it is a walk in the park, as easy as falling off a log.

editors note:

10 habits of highly defective people (to keep the capitalist clock properly ticking). – mh clay

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