With excitement I plan
How I will make my gift
Filled with hope about the difference it will make
But plans can so easily go awry
Set off on an unintended track
A journey changed

At 4 am I wake once more
To words thrown back
A rebuff to my gift of love
In the black dark they stab, gnaw
Rise up like gall and stretch the night
Into an endless hole of slashing demons
Mistakes made, missteps taken
Too much control, too little
The what ifs

I yearn for the first car to
Rumble down the hill
Making its early start
For the first birds to call each other
Into the day, establishing their rights
Competing with the noise of unwanted thoughts

I rise and let the light band-aid the hurt
Get busy and try, try, try to let it go
Dissolve in the sunlight
Soothed by warmth
And routine tasks

– Helen Seymour