It wasn’t a long walk from the car to
The spot we’d chosen, by the river
But as it was to be our last together,
It was the longest of my life.
Lifting the box, I followed my sisters.
We didn’t speak, each was lost in
Her own thoughts and memories.
The box felt like a baby in my arms
As if I were carrying my own child.
So much I longed to say to you,
Forever now left unsaid.
Your ashes caught the morning light
As we scattered them over the river,
Sparkling as they descended, barely
Disturbing the mist that hung on its surface.
With surprising speed, we were done.
All I had left of you was the fine dust
That clung to my fingers.
I held them against my frozen cheeks.
So many feelings. Love, hurt, admiration, anger,
Running down my face, through my fingers, mingling
With your dust, seeping into my pores.
The whole focus of my life had been
A fruitless attempt at gaining your approval.
What do you do when life loses its focus?
I was a woman of straw, I realize now,
Searching for what was already mine.
Spending years up and down the yellow brick road
Searching for you.
I found you when I looked into a mirror
And finally saw myself.