i have a list of reoccurring nightmares tucked under my pillow
next to a list of first lines for new poems

i have a list of things to do before i turn thirty –
see Hamilton live, go scuba diving, find my brother –

and a list of things to see before i die –
a clear night sky, the roots of a rainforest, and Shakespeare’s gravesite –

i have a list of tequila brands i can’t drink anymore
and a much shorter list of red wines i actually like

i have a list of things i should buy at the weekly farmers’ market –
radishes, rainbow kale, green onions –

and a list of what’s cheaper at the supermarket –
tofu, strawberries, carrots –

i have a list of chores to do this weekend –
wash the pots, clean the cat box, sweep the floors –

and another of homework to do this week –
a paper on theory to edit, a blog post to write, an article to read –

i have a list of places it’s safe to park around campus
with all the spots i won’t get towed

i have a list of things that make me shake –
heavy footsteps, slamming doors, hands where they shouldn’t be –

and i have a list of affirmations from my therapist
in the glove box of my car for the days

i want to write lists of everything
wrong with me

– Emily Ramser