I could imagine her going to the dentist and saying, “You wanna do a coronary bypass on me today?”

Or her going to the zoo and asking the workers if they wanted to open up all the gates.

Or her going to a tattoo artist and saying, “Cover my entire back. With whatever you want. I trust you.”

I’m not somebody you marry. Hell, I’m not even somebody you hire. If you don’t believe me, just ask the long list of my previous job interviewers. They all looked at me and said, “I would not marry you.”

My parents’ dog loves me though, so that’s pretty awesome. She licks my face and I run to the bathroom yelling, “Gross!”

I used to do security at a town dump where people could take or leave anything they wanted. It was next to a skiing area called Suicide Hill. True story.

As an EMT, I transported a woman who said she was a vampire. I thought she might try to bite me, so I didn’t take her blood pressure. We took her to a psych ward. When I went inside, I whispered to the nurse that the patient thinks she’s a vampire and the nurse said, “Then let’s get her to bed before the sun comes up.”

The best girl I ever got to sleep with was one who wouldn’t have sex with me. We just slept. But she was really good at it. She was warm and soft and smelled like dice.

I watched the entire first season of Breaking Bad alone in the office where I worked in China. The boss said I could use the company’s DVD player. The only problem was that the office was supposed to be haunted, so it created all this extra tension to the show. I’d press pause sometimes and listen, worried that I’d heard something that was sneaking up to kill me. Then I’d go back to watching the teacher destroy his life. It reminded me of me.