When I was 19 going on 20
I found a forum on the internet,
a rebellion of women
begging their bodies to bend
—no—
begging their bodies to break
—no—
begging their bodies to burn,
stoking flicking licking flames
with their competitive emptiness
masquerading as recovery.

And I let all of their dancing make me feel
like a mountain range,
like my body was all bulge and bloat
just waiting to explode,
waiting to be turned into ash.

Their fire sharpened my bones,
stripped my sinew from its sticking place
as my friends IRL raved about my bravery,
my courage to finally accept that no one loves a fat girl—

—never mind the hair falling out in clumps or
the patches of skin that will never heal,
no matter how much weight you gain back—

—no, the thick is in the thin
and that’s all they’ll see.

These digital women, with their
careful calorie counts and
pictures that all looked like the same person—

—in the forum we were all competing
to be the best version of the same person,
like some dystopian novel where
the girl with the smallest wrists will save us.
The world is watching
and only one of us will make it out alive
and it won’t be the one who threatens status quo with poisonous berries in her mouth,
no, it will be the one who waits until her final gasping breath
to ask for a sip of water,
no lemon.

– Ellex Sea