Of all the thousand dreams I dreamt
of seeing her again
I never dreamed
it would be like this.

I.C.U.
tape and tubes,
she looked an awful mess,
frail and defeated.

I said;
“I brought a card.”
She extended her small arms
around my neck.
It took everything I had
to choke down the depths
of accumulated emotion.
I shook and gasped, but didn’t
quite cry.

The others left us alone.
A small voice said sit, patting
the side of the bed contraption.
There was a silence.

I said;
“Well, you finally have me
at a loss for words.”
She struggled a slight smile.

She explained to me
her feelings
and what had led her there
pleading slightly “You understand?”
And I did.
I’d felt that way without her
back then,
what seems so long ago now.

But, I told her
“I haven’t felt that, haven’t
had that in me in a long while now.”
“How?”
She wanted to know.
“A lot of suffering
A lot of self-honesty.
A lot of therapy
and a lot of time alone”
I said,
she gripped my hand
A little tighter.

I added;
“The answer lies inside.
It’s only when you can face the world
like a storm,
take anything it’s got
and say you won’t defeat me ever,
not looking for the answer in anything else,
that’s when you start to find it.”

She wasn’t sure she could do it.
I assured her that she could.
That I personally had always
had faith in her.

“Now everyone thinks I’m crazy”
She laughed a little.
“Well….”
I said.
“But you always thought that?”
She asked.
“Yes“, I exhaled
I just love you anyway.

I made sure not to stay long.
Kissing her cheek
and whispering “I love you”
into her ear, I
stared into her eyes for
a really long time
while a million memories
flashed through my mind.

She looked awful.
The worst I’ve ever seen her,
but I’ve never not loved her
not during my own worst times
and not now, during hers.

“You’re kind of a jerk.’
I said.
“Well you’ve been a jerk before too!”
She returned.
“Yeah, that’s true I sure have.”
I shook my head
and took my leave.

In the parking lot
I wiped the sweat from my neck
and thought about the other universe,
the one where she and I were
happy together.
We were at a picnic
under the sun
surrounded by children
and laughing.

I got in my car and drove away.
Because I had other
pressing battles to fight.
I was feeling very sad
but also, suddenly very strong,
and ready to fight them.