The mailwoman started leaving my mail
at the end of the driveway
after she peered through my front window
and saw me naked
with a garden hose
watering my rug

to the Sounds of the 80s.

Mail service grew sporadic
after I placed a “Beware of Goldfish” sign
on my front door
and she caught me de-boning some raw Atlantic salmon
with my teeth
adorned in yellow tights
a superman cape
and a 14 inch boning knife.

Mail delivery stopped altogether
when she discovered me naked
and passed out face down
in a blow up swimming pool
in my living room
with whipped cream swirls
on both cheeks of my ass
and a signed Menudo poster
strewn over the couch arm.

I now have to go down to the post office
to collect my mail.

Apparently,
some people scare easily.