Fifteen items or less

by on August 24, 2009 :: 0 comments

standing in the
express checkout lane
i count the items
of the chick
in front of me
just to make sure.
and then my items,
just to be safe
and even his items,
the guy behind me
because sometimes
i’m moralistic that way
and i like to keep
track of things
like that.
and if your items exceed 15,
i will not confront you directly,
or out you publically,
just secretly glare at you and loathe you
and judge you and
project all the bad qualities
i don’t like about myself onto you:
and you’ll know, yes you’ll know that i know.

i look to the magazines
to see Jon and Kate
and i’m trying not to hate –
cuz i feel you, Kate, i do
i’ve been a fucking bitch too,
except i didn’t have the world watching
and waiting with glee me
to see me fall on my face
to point while i fell from grace

i look to the aging hippie with her Birkenstocks
and khaki shorts in front of me, she’s made some
very healthy choices,
i see…
organic skim milk small curd cottage cheese.
whole grain bread, the fancy kind,
i’m talking the five dollars a loaf kind.
for bread. crazy.

don’t tell me- no…
she even has granola in her cart
and now suddenly, she has become a cliché.
and then, from out of no-where
i get this crazy thought.
i didn’t ask for this thought, mind you,
sometimes thoughts just come
and i have this stunning epiphany:

this woman
has a pussy
in her pants.
it’s true! she does!
it blows my mind a little
to think of her bush-
hiding out in there, under her clothes
and i start to marvel at
the wonder of it all.
she even has a clit, just like i do,
and someone maybe gets her off,
although from the looks
of her groceries,
it’s likely she does it herself.
and i have to wonder-
is she trimmed all tidy like a porn star?
or is it hairy, and bushy
like a 70s porn star?
is it big and loose and relaxed,
hanging out like an fat old cat
on the front porch or
small and pretty, contained,
folded neatly like a shirt at the gap?
then i take this further and i look around,
taking in every woman
in the whole goddamned Kroger
and her secret vagina.
it’s crazy! all of us! we’re all standing around
with our vaginas safely tucked away, hidden from view.
pretending they don’t exist.
but they’re there.
and the idea blows my mind,
see cuz usually i go around as if
i’m the only one with a vagina,
like the rest of the world might just have
smooth plastic crotches,
like barbies.

and tonight!
i look around this room
and i am thinking
about the hidden treasures
all around me –
hairy, unruly
overgrown temples, neat, polite and friendly envelopes,
sealed with a kiss… and all the pussies in between…

yeah, that’s right… i’m picturing your pussy.

go ahead, you can picture mine.

and the penises! don’t even get me started on the penises!
that’s a whole other mind trip in itself,
all of ‘em hanging around, dangling all casually,
spying on us from behind their zippers
like hidden microphones… don’t even get me started.

cuz in this moment, ladies, its aaaall
about the vajayjay
sacred sexy,
slick or sticky,
the vagina in me
honors the vagina in you.


SO! back at Kroger,
fifteen items or less,
pussies all around me, all i can do is
marvel at it all…
i start to feel
so alive, so real.
to realize we’re all hiding,
we’re all so covered up
all the time, yet within each of us burns a fire,
lives a soul, beats a heart pumping with hot blood,
our vaginas hidden in secret spaces,
moist and ripe with reality.
i breathe in the sweet magical
truth of it all,
all of us, standing in line, with our hearts
and our cunts and
our souls and cocks
and secrets
and treasures and tongues and tales
and groceries and all i can do
is smile and breeeeathe.

its MY turn now, and
YES I have a Kroger Plus Card and YES
i may have 17 items but three items
are the same cans of stewed tomatoes,
so i count them as one.
and YES i have a pussy
and YES plastic’s okay,
and YES i DID, indeed,
find everything I needed today and then some.

and YES I WILL have a great day…
YOU have a great day, too.

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