I’ve Been Thinking…

by on October 10, 2008 :: 0 comments

I want to live my life better. I’ve been thinking a lot about what my life is becoming and how fast it’s moving and I want to slow it down a little.
I want to appreciate more, feel more, I want to be more, see more, taste more. I want to be able to look back on it all, when I‘m done, and think I’ve lived my life well. I’m trying to connect more, to connect with people, with feelings, with experiences. To not take things for granted. All the wonderful people in my life, all the not-so-wonderful people. They’re in my life for a reason. Why? What can I learn from this feeling, this day, this very moment? I always feel good that I have a lot to offer people in knowing me. But what can people offer me? What could knowing that asshole at work offer me? Can I know myself a little better by knowing this person? Can I understand that he’s an asshole because he didn’t get enough hugs when he was a little boy, and now, as a grown-up doesn’t get any hugs at all? What can knowing the neighbor across the hall offer me? What can I learn from this life?
I’m starting to realize that for as much as I’ve learned, there’s still so much I need to figure out. I’m starting to believe that my soul has been here before. Not this life, not these circumstances, but in this world, and I’m in this life now because my soul has lessons to learn from it before I can move to the next level of Knowing. I read somewhere that the reason we’ve had the painful experiences we’ve had in this life is because our souls needed to learn from them. The reason my parents were so caught up in their own pain and misery, too caught up to really nurture me the way I needed is because what my Soul really needed was to learn to nurture itself. The reason I’ve given birth to this amazing little girl is to learn how precious life is, to learn how to nurture, how to truly give to another person, with no strings attached, in my own hands molding her future feelings about herself, her future hopes and dreams.

I’ve been thinking about happiness. It’s not something I attain- “if only I get that promotion, I’ll be happy”; “If I just get that published, I’d definitely be happy”; “I just need a vacation- then I’ll be happy” It’s not about that, because once you have the “it”, then what? Happiness is something I have to create, inside me, it’s not something I’m going to find in the outside world. And when it’s all said and done, what will really matter? Everything in this world is superficial. Items, possessions, none of these things, in the long run, really matter. I’m learning that what really matters are the feelings, the love, the relationships, the impact your life has had on someone else’s, the things you will leave behind have nothing to do with actual things. Learning these things is helping me live my life better. I’m finally picking up on these Life Lessons (who knows how long my Soul’s been at it?) and this Life School is educating me in ways I’ve never dreamed of. I’m becoming an expert on Me.

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