The Beast, and I

July 6, 2008  :: 0 comments

Tonight, like last night, I feel like crying.
I’m empty inside, though one can’t tell.
At times, I do believe that I am dying.
Maybe I’m dead, and this is my Hell.

I’m empty inside, though one can’t tell.
I try to cleanse myself through fasting.
No matter I do, I always seem to fail.
I’m afraid my sadness is everlasting.

I try to cleanse myself through fasting.
In darkness, I have found a friend.
I’m afraid my sadness is everlasting.
In this mindless torture I see no end.

In darkness, I’ve found a friend.
At times I do believe that I am dying.
In this mindless torture I see no end.
Tonight, like last night, I feel like crying.

Not Tonight

July 6, 2008  :: 0 comments

Here I sit on my couch,
Legs stretch out on the floor,
Surrounded only by the
Murmurs from tonight’s news,
The air conditioner, and the
Loud music from my neighbors.

It’s Friday night, and my apartment
Complex becomes Deep Ellum.
Hip hop in the next building,
Tejano upstairs, dance and pop
Three doors down.

And here I sit. Guarded by these
Lifeless, white walls, and I can’t
Sleep.

They won’t allow me to sleep.

I can feel them – the walls, sitting
On my chest, and blood rushes to
My head. My temples throb, my
Heart pounds wanting to escape
From me.

And I can’t sleep.
They won’t allow me to sleep.

And I say to myself,
“I don’t want to be alone.
Not tonight.”

But where can I go?
Who do I see?

I would have to face questions
I have no answer to such as
“What’s wrong?” And emotions
I’m afraid exists will pour out
Due to my drunken state.

I would have to talk when I
Don’t feel like saying a word.

And I say to myself,
“I don’t want to be bothered.
Not tonight.”

So I drive. I drive to flee from
Those white, lifeless walls.

And here I sit. On this chair
Legs stretch out to the floor
As a half-naked stranger sits
On my nap grinding to
Reggaeton.

This is costing me $10 a
Song. And though she
Now knows me by name
I know to her, I’m just
A means to an end. A cell
Phone payment, a half-tank
Of gas or a manicure.

But the feel of soft skin and
The smell of baby powder
Is what I need.

Because, I don’t want
To be alone,
And I don’t
Want to be bothered.

Not tonight.

Sunday Night at Cave’s

July 6, 2008  :: 0 comments

I didn’t appreciate the place
Until I came here alone
Without the expectation of seeing
Anyone I knew.

Here I sit alone in the corner of
The bar. I laughed to myself. Thinking
I can always create a Loser’s Corner
Anywhere.

And I thought, “This is a poor substitution
For a strip club.” But the female bartenders
Are really cute, and they smile each
Time they hand me a beer. So I still
Get that strip club illusion that the beautiful
Actually care. Plus the beer is cheaper.

I sit back in the corner, while people in
Their designated groups imitate the banging
Head ritual and singing, “U hate me” by
Rammerstein followed by the whitest hop
Hip posing redition of Check the Rhyme
By A Tribe Called Quest. And I
Made a sigh of relief.

Because though I came here by myself,
I’m not alone, so I can sleep well
Tonight.

The cheap beer helps though.

Booty Call

July 6, 2008  :: 0 comments

I beg of you not to see this as
Love. It’s best for the both of us.
Well, you can if YOU want. Really I
Don’t give a shit. For me it’s plan lust.

I will state that clear.
Why do you think I’m here?

Converse? For what? You know
Why I’m at your home.
And, you know why you
Picked up the phone.

You wanted to fuck.
So do I, but ran outta luck
At the club.

So, at 3 a.m. I’m knocking at you door.
And no, I don’t think of you as a whore.

You’re…more.
Like a sacrifice fly, a free throw, a 53-yard
Field goal. Whatever it takes for my desperate,
Horny ass to score.

You fall for it every week.

I’ll tell you why, cause I
Know what’s up.
You want to fuck.

Unfortunately, for you, it’s for the wrong reason.

You still believe that if you, “Dip it low,” and “Pop,
Pop, pop that thang,” “Back that Azz up.”
And leave no evidence
On your blue dress.
That I’ll decide to stay.

And I might…
but not tonight.
It doesn’t work that way.

When I stick around it’s only
Because I want seconds.
But I’m done for now
And Saturday morning beckons.
So, again I say goodbye.
By the way
Tell my son I said hi.

She is…

July 6, 2008  :: 0 comments

I should fear her.
For she is what
She speaks into
Existence.
The truth.
Still, I’m drawn to
Her. Because though
She hurts during the
Day, at night she
Sets me free.

Grandad and I

July 6, 2008  :: 0 comments

I had this dream once.
I was sitting on the porch
Of the shack house I grew
Up in from the country.

It was a summer morning.
The dew still coats the
Grass and flowers. The
Morning dove coos away
In song, and the fog creeps
Its way back to the woods
Making room for the sun to
smite us all in a few hours
with the ugly rage of Texas
heat.

To the left of me was my
Grandfather, sitting a few
Feet away. Panama Porkpie
Straw hat, plaid shirt, dark
Slacks, and slippers. As he
Lit his first King Edwards
Cigar of the day my grandfather
Slowly turns to me, and he looked
At me square in the eyes and said,
“You know they ain’t gon’ let
No Negro in the White House!”

“Dad” (That’s what I called him.)
“Why you say that?”
“Why you even ask me that? You
Know why! That man ain’t got
No business even trying to be
President!”

“I think he got a shot.”
“He’s GONNA get shot!
I thought you had more sense than that.”

“I still think he has a shot.”
“What about Jessie Jackson?”
(I knew he was going to bust out with that.)
“You thought he had a shot, huh?”
“That was different.”
“Not too much different.”
“So you ain’t gonna vote for him?”
“I’ll vote for him. Anybody is
Better than Bush. He ain’t
No good. Worse than his
Daddy.”

Then, I woke up to NPR
On the radio. And I smile.
It was as though my
Grandfather never left
This world. But there
Was a difference. I
Wasn’t speaking to
Him like his grandson,
But as a man with my
Own views on the
World. And he saw
Me not as his grandson
But as a man.

And if the Lord blesses
Me with a long life, I
Hope to have this same
Dream. Only this time
He will see me as his
Friend.

To Page

July 6, 2008  :: 0 comments

I wish I knew you loved
Poetry. Then, people
Could read your screams
For help. Even though
No one bothered to
Listen.

In Death

July 6, 2008  :: 0 comments

My son asked about
You yesterday.

My son’s mind goes
A million miles
A nanosecond.

He asked about you.
You must have made
Quite an impression.

I thought of one day
Going to McDonald’s
Just the three of us.

Right now, I’m listening
To an old CD I was going
To play for you.

There was a club I wanted
To take you to. They’ll have
This kickass band playing
There next week.

I guess I’ll be going by
Myself…if at all.

Those tickets to that concert
Finally came in the mail.
You know the ones
I bought three weeks
Ago?

I don’t know what to
Do with them now.

You see, our bond
Had no illusions of
Forever. Like life
We knew one day
It would end.

But like death, we
Didn’t know when.

So we lived for
The moment. And
We laughed, ate
Danced and fucked
Like there’s
No tomorrow.

But sometimes you
Live for the moment
By looking ahead in
Time.

So here I am. Looking
At the plans I made before
The untimely death of us.

Songs that were gonna be sung,
Food that were gonna be eaten,
Places left unexplored
Mornings left unshared.

And will never be.

And I am now in mourning.

Open Mic

July 6, 2008  :: 0 comments

tonight, I mutilated
myself in front
of brothers and
those I felt had
my last name.
i used the blood
as lubrication.
to feel numb
for later.
to escape for a
little while.
and in the back of
my mind hope I
helped spawn a
revolution.

The Greatest Gift

July 6, 2008  :: 0 comments

The Greatest Gift

She is the Moses
Of my heart.

She parted the
Walls I built
Around my
Heart.

My fortress.
My sanctuary.

My prison.

Ripping it
From me,
And in my
Pain, I
Finally
See
Love, peace.

She gave me
The greatest
Gift one could
Give me.

And like Moses,
She sees the
Promise Land,
But will never
Enter it.

But thanks to
Her someone
Else can.

She wants nothing
In return. I’ll respect
That. But I would
Tell her this.

“You’re beautiful.”

“I love you.”

“Goodbye.”