First of all, are you really sure?
Do you want THAT MUCH to know the news?
Are you indeed willing to endure
Pages on pages of death and abuse?
It’s not too late, you can reconsider,
Come on, throw the newspaper away.
Well, if you are a determined reader
Proceed with this manual, OK.
Take a deep breath and plunge into pages,
Scan the titles, don’t linger on any text,
Crisis, gunmen, fraud – it’s all OUTRAGEOUS,
But really, what did you expect?
Wars, insurgents, hunger, kidnapping –
International news, don’t be surprised.
At this stage you may feel UNHAPPY –
But being updated has its price!
After all it’s not on your doorstep,
It may reach you, but not today.
May be it’s only journalists gossip…
Keep pretending it’s FAR AWAY.
Local news, not much better here –
Budget cuttings, pollution, drugs…
Take another deep breath, you hear?
Yes, the newspaper really SUCKS.
So, do you feel worse every moment,
Your blood pressure rising like hell?
Don’t be afraid, it’s perfectly normal,
You are supposed to be UNWELL.
Sometimes you may be really lucky
To stumble on positive news! You MUST
Concentrate there, it’s highly unlikely
That the positive news will last!
You made it safely through all the pages –
Take another deep breath, RELAX.
Hold the newspaper firmly by the edges
And give it to somebody else.
You may feel a certain SATISFACTION
When another victim goes through the news –
Don’t worry, this is a natural reaction
When others suffer and not only you.
But be realistic, don’t count on this –
It may not work, please be aware:
No matter how dreadful the newspaper is