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Sales Opportunity!! Johnny’Pimp’Daddy
Enterprises/Incorporated is still looking for qualified representatives /demonstrators to sell our many fine fornification products. PM hours. 25% commission on all sales. EOE Page Mr. Daddy at 214-555-4444

Organized “company” seeking experienced leg-breakers. We WILL check references! Must have own tools and vehicle. Straight commission. Apply in person, ask for Big Dino or Lil Franco at Giovanni’s Pizzeria. 1524 Lake St.

Looking for homeless people and/or shady characters to stand at the streetcorner by my house. This neighborhood has gotten so bland and boring and we need some excitement. I can’t pay anything but then again, this place is a goldmine!
Paul 972-555-5028

You: Hard working,highly-skilled, hungry and desperate, illegal alien.Us: Hard working, low-paying, abusive and cheap, sub-contractors.We’ll provide lots of hours and labor. We start all employees at $4.50/$5.00. English optional. CB Landscape 972-555-5028We’ve all heard “It’s a dirty job but someone’s gotta do it”. Right? Well, that’s who we’re looking for! If you’re that “someone”, we want you on our team! We offer a competitive salary with excellent benefits (401k). Must be capable of withstanding long hours smelling excrement. Apply in person @ Rent-a-John

Dreams of the silverscreen? Waiting for that big break? Well here it is! Major filmaker seeks a real go getter who wants to get a“head” in the industry. Must be good at “dick”tation. This is a “fluffer” of a job. Preferably female calls only.
Ron 972-555-5028

BARELY legal, altar boy types needed for personal assistant. The younger looking the better. Must enjoy drinking beers, smoking pot, lap sitting and watching gay porn. E/O/E
Fr. Chester 972-555-5028

Ambitious? Climbing the ladder? Executive Type? Yep, that’s me. You? Qualified pee-on/go-fer/whipping-boy working under my thumb. Must have
knowledge of pecking order. Experience as low man on totem pole helpful.
CALL! 972-555-5028

Adventure and variety in the great outdoors. Make $5.25/hr enjoying summer carnivals, events and concerts. Must be able to tolerate the smell of day-old urine and shit as you clean and restock port-a-potties. Lots of room for growth, no drug test.
Harry 817-333-3313

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Pictures of your mama in crazy and obscene positions, with multiple people and/or animals. And she’s loving every second of it! We’ll name the price. Meet me at the corner of Gaston & Skillman Tuesday@7:00 or else.

You think you’ve got junk? Come check out my heaps! I got lots of it! Rusty junk, useless junk, broken junk and just plain junk. Buy by the pound or by the piece.
817-555-6760 ask for Fred

Soul for sale. Looking to break the big time and need that extra boost to bring me there. Must be able to bring me instant gratification or all deals are off and I’m taking my soul and going home.
Louis 214-555-2516

Rare white tiger. Mostly gentle. Needs good home. Neutered.
Siggy 702-555-6819

2003 Honda Accord. Baby-blue fully loaded. Badass rims, kickin cd stereo, broken lock, sunroof. Comes with free leather purse. Priced to sell at $1,500/obo. Leave message.
Lou 817-555-6760

Big grab bag of sex toys. Dildos, ropes, collars, gags, crops and much more. Slightly used and abused. Relatively clean. $500.
Evan 214-555-2516

12 inch black vibrator. Batteries included. Gently used.
Tony 214-555-6819

Queen sized mattress. Like new. Light blood stains. Slight urine smell.
Lou Anne 817-555-6760

CALLING ALL BEANIE BABY COLLECTORS!! 5 rare babies for sale, comes with their own 1985 Chevy Camero, 5 sp., excellent condition! $6,000/OBO.
Frank 972-555-0818

Small stupid troll. Good with kids, house-trained. Affectionate, 2 1/2 feet, 30 lbs, bad skin, BIG heart! If no buyers, will kill.
Suzy 972-555-8874

Anything. U-name-it. Need to support my drug habit, everything must go. If I don’t have it, I’ll sell you someone else’s. Hurry, I’m jonesin bad, man. Meet me at corner of 156th & Lake St.

Like New: self circumcision kit. Used only once. Best offer. 214-555-1647

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Found: Crabs in my pubic hair. Small, flat, brown and very itchy! Mailbox 69

Lost: Faith in humanity. Last seen 9/11/2001. Please help. 214-555-5709

Found: Big pile of shit, presumably dog. Dark brown outside, light green inside. Shaped like a pretzel. Left on my front lawn on the morning of 7-21-04. Please come by and get it. 5922 Mockingbird, Dallas

Lost: My two front teeth. Last seen under my pillowin 1975. Mailbox 7011

Found: Peace of mind. Must describe. 708-449-5709

Lost: My hair. I really really miss it. If found please return it to the back and the sides of my head. Mailbox 4352

Finders keepers losers weepers.
Larry 214-555-9334

Lost - Priceless toe nail clipping collection. Last seen in Dixie® cup on my nightstand. $$ Reward!
Gene 214-555-5709

Found - Large women’s panties. Thrown 3 rows short of the stage at the 10/03 Def Leppard concert. Must describe.
Buck 214-555-0311

Lost - Sense of self. Last seen on the altar June 5th, 2002. Help.
Tracey 817-555-2148

Lost - 2003 Honda Accord. Light blue with sunroof. Missing since Friday night 9/03/03 from Belmont and Matilda Aves. Brown leather purse under front seat.
Britney 469-555-9774

Found - Winning lottery ticket from 02/29/04. Must know numbers.
Larry 214-555-9334

Lost - Duffle Bag filled with explosives and alarm clock. Please return by 4:20pm Saturday.
Ted 214-555-5709

Found - Dirty diaper found in bathroom of 7/11 on Greenville and Park.
Lateesha 214-555-0311

Lost - Winning Lottery ticket. Numbers are
7-18-24-29-36-39.
$$ REWARD!!
Tracey 817-555-2148

Found - Hair in soup. Long, blonde with brown root. Slight wave.
Sal 999-6666

Lost - Virginity. Missing since 1985. White, pure, sentimental value. Last seen in back seat of ‘84 Chevy Impala. $$REWARD$$
Gina 972-555-9117

Found - Dead racoon. Smashed and split open on the street in front of my house. Owner must describe.
214-555-2000

Lost - Fifty dollar bill. Green, paper, kind of wrinkly. Last seen blowing down sidewalk on Main Street. REWARD $50.
Lou 214-555-5709

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Married, slutty whore seeks extra-marital affairs with SWM’s, SWF’s, GWM’s, GWF’s, Married Couples, Divorced Couples, anyone! I am fuckin’ H-O-R-N-Y! Mailbox 69

SWF seeks SWM. Must be 5’11” with slightly wavy light brown hair, greenish-blue eyes, pouty and sensual lips, athletic build (185-190) sharp sense of humor, with a high-paying job. Must answer to the name Seth. I LOVE YOU SETH!
Mailbox 70

Widowed man in his “twilight” years seeks PYT (pretty young thing)to give TLC to(tongue licking clit) Me: Lots of money. You: Have a price. Looking for Anna Nicole types!!
Mailbox 71

SWM seeks SWF for f’in.
Mailbox 69

SW trust-baby playboy who loves the nightlife and loves to boogie and slipping GHB in your drinks and posing you in provacative sexual positions while you drool on my mattress and then I’ll say it was consensual, seeks cute blonde 18-24.
Mailbox 96

SWF seeks stalker. Age, sex unimportant, Weight proportionate to height. Hide in my bushes, call
me & hang up obsessively, leave strange notes on my windshield. Even break restraining orders.
Mailbox 2588

Married WM seeks other woman. I will never leave my wife, but I’ll pretend to want to when you & I are together. Spend romantic evenings alone & dejected while I live a double life. But it’ll be you I really love,darling, honest.
Mailbox 2211

Gay/ Straight/Male/Fem w/ multiple personalities in search of understanding attractive person who’s willing to walk on the WILD SIDE w/ quiet, shy, religious SLUT who loves God and her mama and hates sinful daddy cuz he left us and someday he’ll come back for me, right? I love S & M, quiet walks and big old parties in my head. I love you. Looking forward to your call you fucking bastard. We can’t wait to meet you. Help.
Mailbox 516112

Gold Digger seeking rich man 65-75. Will exchange sex & companinship for material things like car, jewelry, cell phone. Mailbox 2251

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Just Do It.

This is getting to be ri-goddam-diculous.

Call Jenny for a good time 867-5309

Does anybody really know what time it is?

Lucky numbers05-07-08-11-18-24

Does anybody really care?

Do what?

Billy, the DNA test is back. It’s yours. Suzy.

Todd, the DNA test is back. It’s not yours. Suzy.

The end is near.

Romans 7:24

Your mama was real good last night.

Dallas Postal Employees Gun Club meeting. Tuesdays @ 7PM Lovers/Greenville.

Your mama says to say hello.

Deperately seeking Susan. Got the results back you bitch!

Only you can prevent forest fires. ONLY YOU!

I like to touch myself.

My name is Joe and I’m an alcoholic.

Dan, I have herpes.
Sorry, Jen

I have to poo.

One in 5 Americans is iliterate. Are you? Call 1-800-I-CANT-READ to receive pamphlet and brochure.

The world is a vampire.

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