wanted / for
sale / lost
& found / personals
Enterprises/Incorporated is still
looking for qualified representatives
/demonstrators to sell our many fine
fornification products. PM hours.
25% commission on all sales. EOE Page
Mr. Daddy at 214-555-4444
“company” seeking experienced
leg-breakers. We WILL check
references! Must have own tools and
vehicle. Straight commission. Apply
in person, ask for Big Dino or Lil
Franco at Giovanni’s Pizzeria.
1524 Lake St.
for homeless people and/or shady characters
to stand at the streetcorner by my
house. This neighborhood
has gotten so bland and boring and
we need some excitement. I can’t
pay anything but then again, this
place is a goldmine!
Hard working,highly-skilled, hungry
and desperate, illegal alien.Us: Hard
working, low-paying, abusive and cheap,
provide lots of hours and labor. We
start all employees at $4.50/$5.00.
English optional. CB Landscape 972-555-5028We’ve
all heard “It’s a dirty
job but someone’s gotta do it”.
Right? Well, that’s who we’re
looking for! If you’re that
“someone”, we want you
on our team! We offer a competitive
salary with excellent benefits (401k).
Must be capable of withstanding long
hours smelling excrement. Apply in
person @ Rent-a-John
of the silverscreen? Waiting
for that big break? Well here it is!
Major filmaker seeks a real go getter
who wants to get a“head”
in the industry. Must be good at “dick”tation.
This is a “fluffer” of
a job. Preferably female calls only.
legal, altar boy types needed for
personal assistant. The younger
looking the better. Must enjoy drinking
beers, smoking pot, lap sitting and
watching gay porn. E/O/E
Fr. Chester 972-555-5028
Climbing the ladder? Executive Type?
Yep, that’s me. You? Qualified
under my thumb. Must have
knowledge of pecking order. Experience
as low man on totem pole helpful.
and variety in the great outdoors.
Make $5.25/hr enjoying summer carnivals,
events and concerts. Must be able
to tolerate the smell of day-old urine
and shit as you clean and restock
port-a-potties. Lots of room for growth,
no drug test.
of your mama in crazy and obscene
positions, with multiple people and/or
animals. And she’s
loving every second of it! We’ll
name the price. Meet me at the corner
of Gaston & Skillman Tuesday@7:00
think you’ve got junk? Come
check out my heaps! I got
lots of it! Rusty junk, useless junk,
broken junk and just plain junk. Buy
by the pound or by the piece.
817-555-6760 ask for Fred
for sale. Looking to break
the big time and need that extra boost
to bring me there. Must be able to
bring me instant gratification or
all deals are off and I’m taking
my soul and going home.
white tiger. Mostly gentle.
Needs good home. Neutered.
Honda Accord. Baby-blue fully
loaded. Badass rims, kickin cd stereo,
broken lock, sunroof. Comes with free
leather purse. Priced to sell at $1,500/obo.
grab bag of sex toys. Dildos,
ropes, collars, gags, crops and much
more. Slightly used and abused. Relatively
inch black vibrator. Batteries
included. Gently used.
sized mattress. Like new.
Light blood stains. Slight urine smell.
Lou Anne 817-555-6760
ALL BEANIE BABY COLLECTORS!!
5 rare babies for sale, comes with
their own 1985 Chevy Camero, 5 sp.,
excellent condition! $6,000/OBO.
stupid troll. Good with kids,
house-trained. Affectionate, 2 1/2
feet, 30 lbs, bad skin, BIG heart!
If no buyers, will kill.
U-name-it. Need to support my drug
habit, everything must go. If I don’t
have it, I’ll sell you someone
else’s. Hurry, I’m jonesin
bad, man. Meet me at corner of 156th
& Lake St.
New: self circumcision kit.
Used only once. Best offer. 214-555-1647
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Crabs in my pubic hair. Small,
flat, brown and very itchy! Mailbox
Faith in humanity. Last seen
9/11/2001. Please help. 214-555-5709
Big pile of shit, presumably dog.
Dark brown outside, light green inside.
Shaped like a pretzel. Left on my
front lawn on the morning of 7-21-04.
Please come by and get it. 5922 Mockingbird,
My two front teeth. Last
seen under my pillowin 1975. Mailbox
Peace of mind. Must describe.
My hair. I really really
miss it. If found please return it
to the back and the sides of my head.
keepers losers weepers.
- Priceless toe nail clipping collection.
Last seen in Dixie® cup on my
nightstand. $$ Reward!
- Large women’s panties.
Thrown 3 rows short of the stage at
the 10/03 Def Leppard concert. Must
- Sense of self. Last seen
on the altar June 5th, 2002. Help.
- 2003 Honda Accord. Light
blue with sunroof. Missing since Friday
night 9/03/03 from Belmont and Matilda
Aves. Brown leather purse under front
- Winning lottery ticket
from 02/29/04. Must know numbers.
- Duffle Bag filled with explosives
and alarm clock. Please return
by 4:20pm Saturday.
- Dirty diaper found in bathroom
of 7/11 on Greenville and Park.
- Winning Lottery ticket.
- Hair in soup. Long, blonde
with brown root. Slight wave.
- Virginity. Missing since
1985. White, pure, sentimental value.
Last seen in back seat of ‘84
Chevy Impala. $$REWARD$$
- Dead racoon. Smashed and
split open on the street in front
of my house. Owner must describe.
- Fifty dollar bill. Green,
paper, kind of wrinkly. Last seen
blowing down sidewalk on Main Street.
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slutty whore seeks extra-marital affairs
with SWM’s, SWF’s, GWM’s,
GWF’s, Married Couples, Divorced
Couples, anyone! I am fuckin’
H-O-R-N-Y! Mailbox 69
seeks SWM. Must be 5’11”
with slightly wavy light brown hair,
greenish-blue eyes, pouty and sensual
lips, athletic build (185-190) sharp
sense of humor, with a high-paying
job. Must answer to the name Seth.
I LOVE YOU SETH!
man in his “twilight”
years seeks PYT (pretty young
thing)to give TLC to(tongue licking
clit) Me: Lots of money. You: Have
a price. Looking for Anna Nicole types!!
seeks SWF for f’in.
trust-baby playboy who loves the nightlife
and loves to boogie and slipping GHB
in your drinks and posing you in provacative
sexual positions while you drool on
my mattress and then I’ll say
it was consensual, seeks cute blonde
seeks stalker. Age, sex unimportant,
Weight proportionate to height. Hide
in my bushes, call
me & hang up obsessively, leave
strange notes on my windshield. Even
break restraining orders.
WM seeks other woman. I will
never leave my wife, but I’ll
pretend to want to when you &
I are together. Spend romantic evenings
alone & dejected while I live
a double life. But it’ll be
you I really love,darling, honest.
Straight/Male/Fem w/ multiple personalities
in search of understanding attractive
person who’s willing
to walk on the WILD SIDE w/ quiet,
shy, religious SLUT who loves God
and her mama and hates sinful daddy
cuz he left us and someday he’ll
come back for me, right? I love S
& M, quiet walks and big old parties
in my head. I love you. Looking forward
to your call you fucking bastard.
We can’t wait to meet you. Help.
Digger seeking rich man 65-75.
Will exchange sex & companinship
for material things like car, jewelry,
cell phone. Mailbox 2251
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is getting to be ri-goddam-diculous.
Jenny for a good time 867-5309
anybody really know what time it is?
anybody really care?
the DNA test is back. It’s yours.
the DNA test is back. It’s not
end is near.
mama was real good last night.
Postal Employees Gun Club meeting.
Tuesdays @ 7PM Lovers/Greenville.
mama says to say hello.
seeking Susan. Got the results back
you can prevent forest fires. ONLY
like to touch myself.
name is Joe and I’m an alcoholic.
I have herpes.
have to poo.
in 5 Americans is iliterate. Are you?
Call 1-800-I-CANT-READ to receive
pamphlet and brochure.
world is a vampire.
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