We took Shelly’s car. “Shelly,” I said over the phone, “have you looked outside today? It’s a sheet of ice. My car door won’t open.” “Oh, so you don’t want to go visit Willie today?” “I didn’t say that. Of course I want to visit your brother. I just don’t want to drive. Can you pick me up?” Naturally I …
We sat in a circle in folding chairs,
the lucky seven,
I was wearing a party dress that showed my curves
forgot to wear panties, so kept my legs together.
Paul spoke. For the first time I liked him.
Not because he used to be a radio D-J or
his mother was dying of Alzheimer’s in a nursing home
but because he banged his head against the wall
when his daughter hung up on him.
The newcomer was diagnosed two days ago.
He knew nothing about his illness.
He was 22 and had led the life of a gallant well-
but now guilt pressed him flat in his chair
– a run-over worm.
I stared at him. Nice contrast of
ebony skin the color of a Chinese lacquer box
and peach-colored palms he clenched on and off
in his lap.
He began his confession,
looking down and talking staccato.
I touched his shoulder. Keep some
secrets for yourself, I said. We don’t need to
The dam began to leak and
Harry, who worked for a drug company,
talked about his rampant sexuality when manic,
laughed when he talked about the women he made love to,
a few men too, the wife taking off with the
house and the kids.
The newcomer nodded.
You mean it happened to you, too?
he asked Harry.
It happened to all of us, I say.
Harry told about writing a hundred pages of gorgeous
notes only two months ago during his last mania.
Hypergraphia, I said, mouthing the beautiful syllables of a
new word I’d just learned.
Mine, I threw away after 20 years hidden in the attic,
The newcomer wanted more symptoms.
I handed him a brochure. Everything has a
name, I said. Whatever you did, they’ve already
named it. They’re pretty smart.
Well, if they’re so smart, he said, why can’t they
Well, they’re not that smart, I said.
The newcomer was guilt-ridden over his
sexual escapades. Used the word ‘evil’ to
C’mon, I said. Something big comes over us. We
light up. We glow. Arrive with a halo for godsakes.
We’re like lightning bugs in the dark.
Think of the evolutionary possibilities if you’re a
man. Populating your side of the island.
Paul, the guy I finally liked, talked about his old
man shooting his brains out.
Oh no, I thought, now we’ve gotta explain
we kill ourselves to the newcomer.
Derek, I said, turning toward him, there’s
something you need to know.
I know it already, he said. I was 9 when I first got
out the rope.
Hallelujah, brother, I said, slapping his hand.
Well, that’s just fine, Derek. You know everything now.
Relax and enjoy yourself.
Group Dynamics 101; prerequisite courses – Basic Bi-polarity and Manic Hypergraphia. – mh
When you don’t need it anymore,
when it’s imparted its last
gifts of manhood and of shame
When its hands cuff your neck
with a forest fire of remorse
and they march you off
quicker than a red fox vanishing
and you can barely glimpse
its sun-sequined back
too glossy for the moral eye –
Then, finally, there’s nothing left,
no one left to call
or shower with your gifts or laughter,
you’ve used them up
one by one
each of the many faces
you thought were yours forever.
So they buy you a trailer
and stick you inside,
the better to sleep away your princely dreams.
A dog twitching under a glass table
couldn’t resemble you more.
You rise up and stand on a box.
With your one good eye
you squint through the narrow window
at the grassy fields outside
Mind as prison or portico; one door shut, another opened. Yes, sing! – mh
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