The Eye of Horus

featured in the poetry forum March 1, 2017  :: 0 comments

When I think about them
my head hurts.
When I talk about them
other people’s eyes squint.
When I look for them
they are hard to find
except for the signs
the subtle symbols.

Where they live
must be far away,
places that I have never been,
but they must have computers
and telephones
and they must meet occasionally
I suppose,
at the Bilderberg Hotel
or the Bohemian Grove.
What they do there
must be Bacchanal
decadent, even alien
or perhaps it’s all just business
the crunching of numbers
the twisting of fate
the shaping of the destinies
of the faceless
the proletariat.

We should find them.
We should kill them
if we can, but

when I think about them
my head hurts,
so I stop.

editors note:

They’re not so subtle these days and they’re wearing us down. (This poem is part of Paul’s new collection “The Machine of Almosting.” He will be launching this book at our Open Mic tonight – come check it out.) – mh clay

Some People Never Get It Right

featured in the poetry forum January 16, 2016  :: 0 comments

Some people drink all night
because it’s what they do,
photographed in Deep Ellum parking lots
while listening to poetry CD’s,
singing Hallelujah
arm-in-arm with a homeless man
named Ray Charles.
Looking for him later
with a banana and cup of hot coffee,
because the world is a fucked up place,
Ray whispered, “Don’t ever give up man,
she’s your soulmate!’ into my ear.
Some people toast the sunrise
giggling and whispering
words of forgiveness,
playing in lawn sprinklers
half-clad at the break of dawn.
They tell each other they
feel like home. But,
people like this aren’t so good at home,
are they?
Some people fall in love with babies
they nickname “Webby”
whose brother asks,
“Where did Paul Sexton get that pretty girl?
At the pretty girl store?”
Some people laugh and cry,
then laugh and cry
so many times together
they become convinced
no one else could possibly understand
them the way they do one another.
They come and go from each other
with a frequency similar to the way
emotions come and go inside their heads.
Some people never get it right
with each other
or with the world.
And people who meet them
always want to give them advice
about what they need to be doing
which mostly they laugh about
and mock
in silly voices,
because they themselves know
that they are more alive than
the smiles on giant crocodiles,
than a million imploding black tar suns,
than most of the rest of you.
Some people never get it right,
but when you meet them
you love the shit out of them
and everybody everywhere
loves the shit out of them.
And you can’t help but wish
they might actually get it right,
not just for each other
and with each other,
right inside themselves,
but right with the world.
A world that, although it seems to love them,
mostly doesn’t get them
or care
or seem to give a shit
about all the million exploding things
they have inside them,
they are trying to get out.
Especially,
the beauty they possess
whilst drinking and singing Hallelujah
late at night
listening to old poems
about to say goodbye again,
about to say goodbye again…

editors note:

If you can catch just one of those exploding things; gotta love the shit outta that. (This is one of the many poems and prose soon to be released in Paul’s new book,  “Hallelujah!,” to be released on Feb 26 (get details here). Early copies are available here – check it out!) – mh clay

Jagged Edge Souls

featured in the poetry forum April 16, 2015  :: 0 comments

Baby, all kinds of people
have different shaped souls.
A lot of people, regular people
have souls shaped like squares.
It’s easy for them to find someone.
Just another square,
to sit next to them on the couch
watch Network TV
spend their corporate paycheck.
It’s easy for square souls
to find other souls.
But me and you?
we’re complicated.
We have souls with crazy jagged edges
Like jigsaw puzzle pieces
and it’s difficult to find
that one puzzle piece of a soul
that fits next to your puzzle piece soul.
but I’ve found it.
You are the jigsaw puzzle piece to my soul.

I used to tell her this sometimes,
when she was mine, and
she used to like to hear it.

editors note:

It’s hard to pick through the pile for another perfect piece when you had one in your pocket. – mh

dresses

July 15, 2014  :: 0 comments

Every time I walk into
the grocery store
to buy a case of beer
I pass a rack of
tie died sun dresses.

Every time I think
that I would buy one
for you
if you were still alive.

Every time I think
of how beautiful
you would look
in one.
With your beautiful
shoulders
and your beautiful
legs.

You always looked best
in a dress.
Not in the crazy short
skirts
and outfits you would wear
to impress an audience,
that was sexy,
but I loved you best
in just a regular
dress.
Hair curly
and looking like a girl.

But you are gone.

I walk by the rack of dresses
think of you
and buy a case of beer.

I go and drink the beer
with my friend.
But you are always
on my mind.

Yes indeed,
you are always
on my mind.

editors note:

Beer to blur the vision of what was, dresses to bring it back, crystal clear. Beer, dress, repeat… – mh

BEAUTIFUL

featured in the poetry forum May 24, 2012  :: 0 comments

She was so beautiful,
I don’t think that
I told her that
enough.

I was always worried
that she would think me
interested in her
for shallow
surface
reasons
and not her
magnificent
intellect
personality
humor
spirit
and such.

So, I held back
on telling her
how beautiful she was
as much
as I thought it,
and when I did,
it was always with the
qualifier
that true beauty
comes from the inside
and that this is what
she possessed
in such a big way.

It was probably
the right approach.
But if I had it to do
again
if she were still
alive,
I would
stare
into her eyes
every single morning,
and whisper
into her ear
that she was
the most beautiful
woman
I have ever known.
And she was,
she truly
truly
was.

editors note:

Yes, she was! – mh

September Afternoon

March 30, 2011  :: 0 comments

A heart no longer
beats
within this chest.

I left mine,
gently placed upon
an old yellow blanket
in the park,
on a sunny
September afternoon.

Along side
a guitar
a glass of Merlot
and a book from
the used book store.

Look!
Look!
I can see it clearly,
this image,
it is there!

The blanket
is not balled up
in the trunk of the car,
my true love has not died,
and I do not
drink Merlot
alone!

(10/2010)

A Freud Kind Of Day

featured in the poetry forum March 30, 2011  :: 0 comments

I’m at the Jack In The Box next to the auto mechanic
drinking a vanilla milkshake while reading a book
that my drunk poet buddy threw me,
examining cultural history in the context of
a radical reinterpretation of Freudian Psychoanalysis.

It made me think of last night, coming out of
the Ozzy Rabbit Lodge, a local bar where they have
a mural of Ruby Shooting Oswald, on the wall.
I was vomiting in the parking lot, just below
the sign reading “smile you’re on camera.”

It could have been the $1.25 PBR beer special
or perhaps the phone call with a friend
who said; “Faith in anything is meaningless,
we are all just a bunch of goofy monkeys
who only evolved intellect because it was sexy.”

It made me think of my beloved, before she left.
We had gotten so close and familiar that
when we were drunk and she decided that
I needed to vomit, she would hold me down
and stick her finger down my throat until I did.
Which is a pretty odd thing to see, yourself
vomiting on the hand of the woman you love,
particularly an Anal Retentive Germophobe.

The third time she did this was by a swimming pool
drinking till 6am with my poet buddy.
The same night he threw me the book, as he
watched us, shaking his head, a little weirded out.

He later suggested some type of Oedipal Mother
archetype control dominance dynamic.
The other friend suggested a more straight up
sexual reverse penetration/ejaculation
play rape reenactment dynamic.
Either way, admittedly, I did get off on it
in some vague not quite explainable way.

As I’m finishing the milkshake, the thought
occurs to me, that when my mad love returns,
beyond simply seeing a therapist together,
it might behoove me to read up on and study,
hell, even become and expert on,
Freudian Psychoanalytical concepts.
I think we’ve really got something there.

Outside the Jack In The Box I vomited
about half the vanilla milkshake
onto the pavement while some Ginger kid
on a motorcycle, looked at me strangely.

Leaned over forward, clearing my throat,
spitting like that, made me cry just a little bit.
It reminded me of her.

(08/2010)

editors note:

A radical reinterpretation of Freud through Shakespearean tragi-comic parking lot character confession and gastrointestinal divination. – mh

Foolish Fragile Thing

featured in the poetry forum December 27, 2010  :: 0 comments

How foolish and meaningless life is.

All the thousands upon thousands of hours
it took to create you
just as you were.

All your ideas of spiritual progression
and growth and
wanting something more than this.
Your laugh
Your smile
and the way you approached a problem
from different angles than most would
coming up with a unique point of view.

All this.
All this went into making up you,
then one day something foolish,
you breath in water
instead of air
asleep for a moment
a stupid fucking moment,
and where is all this!?
All this that made up you?
All this that the man who loved you
who adored you
who worshipped you
couldn’t seem to save!!!

in a moment,
a fucking moment!!

How fragile and frail
this thing we call life is!
How foolish.
How without purpose.

We sit and we talk
Hours upon hours
about our meanings
about our values
about how we are unique
and special and different
from everyone else,
and yet
still you are gone.
gone
gone
gone
Gone in an instant
your face like that
peaceful
haunting
the stuff of nightmares.

You were special and you were unique,
you were nearer to god than most
yet still you are gone.

Your eyes and toes and opinions.
Your words and mouth and promises
Your love for children
and music and me,
all are gone.

And this stupid thing
this man that loved you
is still hanging on,
hanging on for some reason
as if any of it means anything
as if it is not all as fragile
as an eggshell
or glass
or a foolish notion.

Where the hell are you?!?
All the things that made up you!?

All those hours
all those important ideas
and notions of the way things are.
What are you now that you are gone?
Just a memory in me?!?
Then, when I go
through some fragile
decision or another,
what are you then?
Where do you exist?!?!?

With all the time and effort
the universe put into creating
the one and only you that was you
why would it fucking let that go?!?

Are we all just foolish deluded bacteria
with some special illusion of grandeur
granted by evolution
in order to perpetuate our species
for whatever reason it exists?!?

Were we ever more than just
two foolish self-aware moments in space time
calling themselves artists
talking and talking late into the night?!?

Why then do I miss you so?!?
Why do I feel so incomplete without you?
If we are just tiny organisms in the scheme of things
perhaps we were symbiotic,
two creatures existing as one
perhaps I needed you
perhaps I needed you
perhaps I waited and waited and waited for you
like desert air waits for nightfall
like Spring waits for rain
like I waited for you
my entire foolish fragile life
only to kiss you
only to lose you
to lose you
to lose you
to lose you
in a moment.

It feels foolish and fragile
and meaningless
to be here
without you now.

My GOD!
My love,
my god…

I Am Your Home

December 27, 2010  :: 0 comments

Wherever you are,
alone or surrounded
in darkness or in light
mania or melancholia, when
detached and soul searching
your gypsy nature seeking ground.
I want you to know, want you to think,
close your eyes for a moment
breathe deeply and remember that
I am your home.

With open palms and arms spread wide
A full bowl of promise, sitting, waiting,
for you to return to my side,
I am your home.

In my car, you controlling the stereo
eyes closed lips in falsetto
passion bleeding from your soul,
I am your home.

Lawn sprinkler water beaded forehead
your beautiful sublime brown flesh exposed to
the orange blue light of sunrise,
I am your home.

Walking a Dallas sidewalk casually telling you
that you look stunning, in just the right tone of voice
that you finally get it, after thousands of words
and poems and pages, you finally get how I see you,
I am your home.

Drinking cans of beer on the patio until
the break of dawn, me in my boxers.
Breaking through my insecurities.
You, feeling familiar and comfortable,
finally telling me that
I am your home.

Scratching an ant bite on my hand, you
get that emotional look you get,
smiling, realizing that my daughter
has the same hands as me,
I am your home.
 
Ironically hugging a unicorn in bed
as I stay up all night long talking you
through anxiety because, hey,
I want every waking moment I can get anyway,
I am your home.

Your heart opened at last to
the potential perfection we could be,
treating me differently, treating me kindly
treating me respectfully,
I am your home.

A beer at a bar where you and I do
what we always do, which is get so into
our shared energy and personality that we
become an unforgettably brilliant comedy show,
I am your home.

In Dr.’s or therapist’s offices.
Hand in hand running through wet grass.
Quiet conversations over dinner.
Center stage at the House of Blues.
Sleeping side by side, on grass or
under a swing set or on a blanket.
Sleeping on a hard tile floor just to be near
the couch that you are on,
I am your home.

Painting pink butterflies on my daughters toenails.
A nap with the children and I on an air mattress.
A bookstore with you and my son after breakfast.
Kisses at the break of dawn.
You, motherly, organizing the children’s dinner
coercing my son to accept his Spaghettios.
Late night Youtube music video tears that devastate me,
arms open as you embrace me,
then push me away, then embrace me,
then push me away,
A real world metaphor revealing to me at last
the nature of exactly how you must be loved,
I am your home.

Early morning Merlot crying
please don’t abandon me.
( I never will silly!)
All the thousands of professions of love that
spill from my lips and finger tips regularly.
When I look at you like an animal craving pray and
you telling me that is perfectly ok.
hours staring at your face while sleeping
twisted up in my black tee-shirts,
The way my heart explodes and eyes cry at the
mere sound of your voice and sight of your face.
Singing your old songs together in front of a bar.
Simply walking beside you anywhere we go.
wherever we are,
I am your home.

The way my children react when they see you,
the joy and healing you presence brings them.
Long conversations over coffee, over dinner,
over beer, over blankets, over entire nights.
Opening up every possible fear and insecurity
to one another, breaking through barriers,
healing old wounds, knowing our depths like
no one else possibly could.
Don’t tease me! Why would you say that?
You say, as I tell you a part of your dripping flesh
and wet hair are beautiful, and
the look you get when realizing I wasn’t teasing,
I am your home.

Singing Hallelujah arm in arms with a homeless man.
Singing Hallelujah on the mic.
Singing Hallelujah with Fort Worth musicians.
Singing Hallelujah to Youtube Leonard Cohen and various covers
over and over, while you are in bed sleeping it off,
children play running all over the house laughing and waking you up
by throwing a naked baby in the bed.
it’s not a cry that you hear at night
it’s not somebody who has seen the light
it’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah!
I am your home.

The old us made brand new.
Back together again no matter what we say or do.
All past hurts forgiven the way regular people
can’t even imagine being able to forgive.
I know he’s crazy, you tell your brother,
but I love him, I need him in my life,
I love him. I need him, we get each other
in ways that no one else ever could.
How could we have gone through all that and
come back to this?
ALmost together,not quite,
but almost, wanting it to be.
Praying for it to be,
we are perfect, we are perfect, and I love you.
The future is unclear but open to possibility
as you fly away from me,
Hopefully, just for a while,
I am your home.

Open your eyes now.
It doesn’t matter where you are
who you are with, where you have been,
where you go or where you will be,
I will accept you
I will embrace you
I will be here for you,
just be here for me and with me as much as you can
make me your lover, your best friend,
your spiritual partner,
your guru, your student, your poet, your man,
The very best way that we can.
We may struggle with details, but that’s ok,
what matters is the love we share along the way.
Let me be your center
your ground
The eye of your storm.
The hurricane to your tornado.
Your solid place to come home to,
The energy source that never ends
The children’s faces and arms and feet and smiles
that love you and need you and want you
to be an important impactful part of their growth
and character as only you can be Alexcie,
for us, as only you can be!!
They are your home.
We are your home.
Together is our home.
I am your home

Open up and let it be, embrace what is here before you
I have always been and always will be
but now after this last few weeks
August 2010
especially even more so than ever before.
I am your home.

The door is open,
leave your heart here with me
as you roam and learn and yearn and create and grow.
This place is here for you as no other could possibly be
open, accepting, familiar, comforting, exciting,
funny, sad, laughter, tears, all of it.
Every bit of it, this is it, reach out and take it
live in it, because it is yours and only yours,
this place, this home, belongs to you,
was created in this universe specifically for you,
It’s me, my heart, my soul, my life,
and I am yours if you want me
I am your home.
I am your home.
I am your home.

Hanging Around

December 27, 2010  :: 0 comments

I feel Stupid.

I’m a poet,
A Troubadour,
I love her with all my guts
and soul.

Hanging around now,
is like rewriting Shakespeare.

Juliet dies,
and Romeo lives
to attend support groups
and talk about his feelings.
It’s rather ridiculous
I think.

There is a reason why
you knife yourself
when your true love
has gone.

It just makes sense,
after all,
who wants to walk around as
half a person?

Feels like a betrayal
of the whole story
doesn’t it?